Who Am I? A Story on Identity as a Mother

"The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." - Carl Jung.

In the Spring of 2017, I lived in New York City and had just become a first-time mom. As my maternity leave wrapped in early summer, I was back to work. I took the train from my home to the office, several stops from the Upper East Side down to the Financial District, getting off at the last stop before the train departed for Brooklyn. I liked the commute. On the good days, I could snag a seat and have a little time to myself to think. Alone time is scarce in NYC, and I found the trains to be where many tuned out the world for a few. 

I walked down my usual route, popping into the corner Dunkin' and grabbing my medium, black, hot coffee. I had missed the friendly faces I used to see each morning. I walked into my office building, through the doors of 85 Broad Street, and into the elevator. My friend Bill hurried in as well. It had been months since I'd seen him, and he said, "Hi! Oh my god, you're a mom!" 

I smiled, laughed, and replied, "I know. So wild." 

I felt a little strange. I was technically a mom. I had been one for three months at that point. But it was so early on. I hadn't really taken into account what that meant for me in the blur that is life once you leave the hospital with a newborn. And I felt a little like a fraud. As a first-time mom, I was on a steep learning curve. In no way, shape, or form did I feel like a mom from an expert point of view. 

But I was a mom. And I loved being a mom. But I was also a woman who worked outside of the home. I was ambitious in my career. I didn't have any local friends who were moms, so I felt a little lonely on this new journey. 

Frankly, I don't recall thinking much about my identity before becoming a mom, but obviously, I had one. In fact, I don't think many of us do until we look in the mirror one day and say, "Hey, who am I?" Motherhood can be a catalyst for examining your identity, and identity is a mammoth-sized topic, and it's a lot to unpack. 

The American Psychological Association defines identity as: "an individual's sense of self-defined by (a) a set of physical, psychological, and interpersonal characteristics that is not wholly shared with any other person and (b) a range of affiliations (e.g., ethnicity) and social roles. Identity involves a sense of continuity or the feeling that one is the same person today that one was yesterday or last year (despite physical or other changes). Such a sense is derived from one's body sensations; one's body image; and the feeling that one's memories, goals, values, expectations, and beliefs belong to the self. Also called personal identity."

That's a lot. But questioning your identity can come down to that idea of continuity. We're not the same person over time. Many aspects of ourselves can remain - personality traits, for example - but throughout our experiences, it impacts who we are. 

I talk with a lot of moms, especially moms who have young kids at home, and I hear this often: 

"I don't even know what my interests are anymore." 

"How did I get here?" 

"Who am I?"

"What happened to me?"

And the conversation typically leads us back to before they were mothers. What their lives were like, their passions, the careers, friends, or beliefs they held. And if you're a mom, you know how it drastically changes how you look at the world and yourself almost overnight. Having kids can bring up a whole host of questions, self-doubt, worry, and abandonment of who we once were to be the best moms we can be, and in doing all of this, we can lose ourselves a bit. 

We cultivate our identity over the course of our lives, and perhaps we don't realize who we are until we realize who we're not. So, if you're struggling with this, you're not alone. It's so common for mothers to feel this way. But the good news is that you get to rediscover who you are and want to be in this next phase of your life. And that can be incredibly exciting. 

Let's clarify one thing: being a mom is now part of your identity, and it's amazing. There's no arguing with how much moms love their children. So, let's let go of the guilt many of us feel when we think about ourselves. You're not just a mom. You're a whole human with passions, interests, maybe a career, beliefs, values, and experiences as an individual. 

Some of those beliefs become challenged once we become a parent. Often, we form these perspectives early in our childhood. We assume the values and systems of our parents, we adjust as we move through those transformative years when we're teens and young adults, and then we become parents, and all of those things are staring right back at us in the form of our kids. 

And we start ruminating on the shoulds. Should I believe that? Should I have done that? Should I be this type of mom? Should I do this? And we drive ourselves mad because what we thought before can often look very different once we're actually living the day-to-day. So if this is you, and you're sorting things out, spend time with yourself. Get to know yourself today. And in order to do that, you have to leave your comfort zone. The answers to "Who am I?" will not be found on your sofa at home watching Netflix, numbing yourself with all the wine. 

The following can be helpful in actively creating who you are today:

Explore Your Personal History: You can do this with a professional, like a therapist, or you can begin on your own, but reflecting on your family dynamics, cultural background, significant life events, and experiences can better help you understand where much of your current belief system stems from. 

Clarifying Values: New life, who dis? Becoming a mom might have you re-evaluating your values, and that's OK. These values will serve as a foundation for understanding your identity and making decisions aligned with your authentic self in this moment.

Challenging Negative Self-Perceptions: Do you have intrusive thoughts or negative self-perceptions, self-doubt, and internalized beliefs that may hinder your sense of identity and self-acceptance? With some understanding and cognitive rewiring, you can work your way out of that grim place and into a much better mindset. Neural plasticity is fascinating! 

Have Some Compassion for Yourself: As moms, we're givers. We give and give and give to those around us. Our time, energy, love - but we're selective in what we give back to ourselves. Be kind to yourself as you figure out who you are these days. It takes a minute to become who you want to be. 

Six years and two kids later, I have new passions, a new-ish career trajectory, and a renewed sense of my beliefs and values. I feel good about where I've landed with the whole who am I? stuff. But it took a lot of self-reflection, examining where I spent my time and how I spent it to get here. 

As moms, your free time becomes limited, but if you can spend it on yourself and becoming the person you love looking at in the mirror, it's time well spent.