On Loneliness and the Power of Connection
Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship."
- Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
It's 8 AM on a Sunday in January, and I just grabbed a hot cup of coffee at the coffee shop a mile from my house. I pulled out my usual chair at our usual spot—a long wooden table in the northeast corner of the room — and watched as the other ladies came through the door. Dressed in smiles, a wave through the window, some with breakfast in hand, bundled up because it's cold here in the Chicago suburbs.
This is our Sunday Everhope meeting—a weekly gathering for women seeking extra connection. Or, said more plainly, a safe place for women who felt a little lonely. I started Everhope back in October, shortly after becoming a clinical intern. Right from the beginning of my graduate studies a couple of years ago, it became evident how loneliness could really do us in. I heard from so many different people, in different life phases, how isolated they were, and how they lacked community and connection. No one was saying it outright, but it was a descriptor in explaining their struggles with depression, addiction, and new life transitions. And as we talk about mental health more and more, we know that feelings like loneliness do not discriminate. Loneliness doesn’t care about your looks, job, or bank account. And many times, it doesn’t reveal its name.
It sounds like:
"I'm struggling to make friends here." I'm lonely.
"I'm not sure if I belong here." I'm lonely.
"I don't have anyone to talk to." I'm lonely.
“I didn’t get invited.” I’m lonely.
And I’m lonely can turn into I’m not good enough in a blink.
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Loneliness can kill us. It may sound dramatic, but it's that serious. So much so that the U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, has talked at length about the epidemic of loneliness. He's created an advisory on the importance of social connection and community, which states only 39% of adults in the United States feel very connected to others. And according to the CDC, 1 in 3 U.S. adults aged 45 and older feel lonely.
Loneliness can severely impact our mental health and well-being. In fact, it's been intricately linked to addiction, depression, and suicide. How? Let's take a look:
Addiction: According to the Cleveland Clinic, addiction is a chronic condition that greatly impacts many aspects of your life. Addiction might look like substance use, or it might look more behavioral, like shopping, sex, gaming, and eating. Loneliness can be both a cause and a consequence of addiction. Often, people who are feeling lonely will turn to substances or other outlets to cope with the disconnection. In the same vein, research has shown that folks who feel lonely are at a higher risk for developing substance abuse disorders.
Depression: Loneliness is not only a risk factor for depression, but often, the two conditions co-exist. When we feel lonely, we often withdraw further from social interactions and activities, exacerbating feelings of sadness and hopelessness. And if that's not crappy enough, depression takes a toll on our self-worth and motivation. And the cycle begins: lonely - depressed - not good enough - lonely - depressed - not good enough…
Suicide: It's uncomfortable to talk about such a tough topic, but it's essential to understand. Loneliness and isolation are significant risk factors for suicidal ideation. Feelings of disconnectedness can increase our hopelessness and despair. If you’re ever at the point where you’ve lost hope, please go to your nearest emergency room; call 988 or 911.
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Over the last five months, we’ve built a group of women who show up weekly for coffee. And now, it's a community. From its inception, the format of the gatherings was loose. The idea being to let anyone talk about whatever they want within the context of understanding our gathering’s purpose: connection. And from the very first coffee, the conversations were purposeful. They were raw and honest. Vulnerable. And five months later, we've donated to charities together, had dinner and brunch with one another, and celebrated each other's little victories, new endeavors, and newfound confidences.
It’s not possible to manufacture meaningful connections. The only reason these weekly gatherings work is because the people who show up come with an open mind, open heart, and a genuine desire to be there, with nothing else to prove. There is no magic in the recipe for the group's success. It's old-fashioned, in-person talking at the table. The walls are down. No one there is putting on a mask. And because there's been a common, recurring theme of connection, no one has had to.
In showing up for ourselves, it turns out we’re able to actually show up for others. To lend a hand, bring baked goods, and help sort and sift through life with no strings attached. And that can flip loneliness upside down.
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There is connection all around us. Finding a place to belong can look a hundred different ways. It might look like the school PTA. Or the neighborhood HOA. Or colleagues at work. OR, just maybe, a corner coffee table on Sunday mornings. But connection is crucial to our well-being.
Be OK with connection showing up in your life a little differently than expected. Be OK with it feeling hard at first. Be OK with not needing many people in your life, but just the right ones. As we so often tell children, you only need one good friend, one person who will answer at your worst and celebrate at your best.
The positive impacts are abundant when we feel connected and have a sense of belonging.
We're less lonely, obviously.
We get emotional validation.
We increase our self-esteem and confidence.
We learn to cope with stress differently, knowing we are not alone.
We build mental resilience because we feel more secure and hopeful.
We improve our cognitive functioning with meaningful social engagement.
The list goes on. If you're feeling lonely, you are not alone. There is hope. There is a place for you out there. We often talk about kissing a few frogs before landing a good mate, but the same can be said for finding our people. You have to put your toes in the water and test it out. And keep testing until it feels like the right temperature.
When we feel lonely, we retreat. Fear and shame can make a home in our hearts and minds; this is your sign to realize you deserve to belong.
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Our Sunday gathering begins to wind down. Each one of us renewed for the day. In just five short months, six strangers have become friends.
“See you next week.”