The 40-Year-Old Intern & Big Life Transitions

At 40, I became an intern at a clinical practice as the last step in my M.S. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling program.  See, it turns out I could no longer ignore the tug at my heart and the want in my mind to become more of an expert in this field. And frankly, I didn't love some of the experiences I'd seen and had with providers, the system, the policies, and the conversations. I wanted to be a part of a new narrative, and to do that, I needed to go back to school. 

I also like to have fun. We can laugh as we move through the tough stuff. And I believe that a community of folks interested in discussing these topics can be a huge step in breaking down stigmas and old narratives about mental wellness that hold us back instead of propping us up and moving us forward. 

Life transitions don't always come as a surprise. A search for greater purpose and meaning in life is, occasionally, called a midlife crisis. Was I having a midlife crisis, you ask? TomATO Tom-ato. But here's the thing, big life transitions don't have to be daunting. Or scary. Or push us into "crisis," per se. The want for change can be the info we need to better align with what brings us the most joy. A renewed sense of meaning. And sometimes, we have to rub up against that which no longer serves us just enough to be sick of it. 

We are not having a midlife crisis. I am definitely not having a midlife crisis.  

But demanding something greater for ourselves in this moment is really awesome; a rallying cry of sorts. Crisis be damned. So, given that becoming an intern at 40 is a fairly radical life transition, I wanted to dive into big life transitions a little more. If you're like me and in a similar phase of change - whether it be divorce, parenthood, a big move, a new career, retirement - know that while it can feel uncomfy and clunky, it doesn't have to derail you. Or define you. 

It's OK if it's hard. Like really hard. But hard doesn’t mean bad. 

In fact, the goal of our lives is not to remove all things that are hard or uncomfy, that's impossible. It's to build ourselves up so we can navigate these transitions with as much confidence, self-compassion, and support as possible. 

The following 5 focus areas are critical for navigating big life transitions (and, actually, the daily stuff, too): 

• Values. 

  • Do you know what your values are? Have you thought about them lately?

  •  Our values change, and many of us don't spend nearly enough time reflecting on our foundation or what we want it to be. Our values become our guides. It’s best to choose them thoughtfully and evaluate often.

• Self-worth. 

  • We must believe that we deserve good things like respect, self-care, a purpose, our health, love, and support. It might sound obvious, but so many folks I meet are lacking in this area, and it's heartbreaking. You are your biggest champion. 

  • Self-worth is tied to your values, strengths, and your ability to advocate for what serves you. 

  • Have you thought about your strengths? You have them. Write them down.  

  • Do you tell yourself how amazing you are every day? If you're not doing this, who will? Celebrate all of the daily wins, no matter how small. Little victories pave the way.

  • Do you say no to the stuff that does not align with you? Saying “no” where appropriate is a “yes” for your self-worth.

• Acceptance.

  • Accept that there is a lot out of our control. And that's OK. Whether it's significant life transitions or the daily grind, so much is out of our hands. Focus on what's within your reach and practice letting go. Practice is the keyword.

  • Accept that no plan goes as planned. Ever. 

  • Accept where you are in the transition. You will not get ahead if you don't know where you are right now.

• Create a New Relationship with Time.

  • Nothing happens overnight, especially when we're talking about the big stuff. 

  • Most things take a little longer than we'd like, and that's OK (back to our pal above, acceptance.)

  • Allow yourself the time you need to move through transitions intentionally. Rushing equals redoing at some point - and wasted time hurts the soul (and usually our wallets). 

• Feel the Feelings.

  • Putting on the armor and soldiering through has likely helped each of us survive in our life at some point or another. But over the long haul, numbing how we feel isn't the answer, and can actually cause more harm than good. Looking at you, addiction. 

  • It's OK to feel discomfort. It's OK to feel disappointment, to feel sad, mad, hurt, excited, overwhelmed, pissed - feel the feels. But let's not build our home foundation on one feeling or another and live there. Let the feelings give you the data and info you need to make the next decision in line. 

  • No feeling is forever. Feelings are fleeting. Let it wash over you, sit with it, push it around a little bit, and then release it. Feelings do not need to define you. 

And that's it, easy. Just kidding. But is there a slight relief in knowing it doesn't need to be this perfect plan, or that we have to feel a certain way, or that we are not allowed to roll over the bumps in the road in whatever fashion we damn well need? 

Big life transitions will be inevitable, some purposeful and some forced upon us. But the takeaway is that if we build ourselves up now, each day, we're prepared when those big moments arrive. We're flexible. We're confident that we'll come out on the other side in one piece - save for a few scrapes here and there. 

I realize that some of this is easier said than done, and we're all starting from a different set of circumstances, but if you know the tools that can help, my hope is that you can begin unpacking where you stand today and sort through the process of pulling together the rest. 

Look, I'm an intern. I'm taking pieces from my old life and pieces from my current life and building moment by moment. And it's not always pretty. Most days, it's relatively messy. But it feels really good. 

And you can do it, too.